My first exposure to a horse was a grand one. A Grand Prix One, the person to whom I had just begun to trust and admire owned and competed in dressage at that level. This woman was my therapist and had only agreed to accommodate my neediness by allowing me to watch her ride on a Saturday morning during a competition.
I grew up in Phoenix and came from a hard working class family, and yet no one I knew had a horse.
Knowing what to expect never crossed my mind. I had no expectations at all.
My only thought was to be within panic reach of this woman.
Once there my first impression of this new world was that it was very smelly and dusty. There was a lot of activity and yet not a lot of talking. There were dogs and chickens around the stalls. Every one seemed to be pleasant and yet distant from each other. To my advantage many were busy with their own tasks so I was able to walk among them without any question. Walking along the stalls I dared to approach some of the horses. These horses were intimidating with their huge eyes and nostrils that seemed to reach out towards a person like a probing sensor checking out your character right from the start. I was afraid of their size and power but at the same time could not break the spell of their beauty and gentle tug to just come a little closer.
The star horse of this Saturday was Riesling. I had never been exposed to horse nature before so luckily I was very carefully maneuvered around him as he was walked to the grassy area to be washed after his ride. Watching the ritual that was done without hesitation and with silence except the occasional, sweet talk of reassurance that went on between the rider and horse was comforting to me. There was not even the slightest hint as to whether the ride had received its hopeful score. That was in the past, what was going on now was a moment of rest and appreciation for the effort.
My therapist is a person who would never train an animal with harshness or threat but believes in giving the horse a choice of different options however her choice would clearly be presented as the way to have the least negatives associated with it. This way of giving choice with a gentle guidance is a totally freeing experience. I often wished I were Riesling. His world was so safe, his nurturer so strong in the resolve that success was ahead and that it would be fun.
Watching the riders work with these huge muscular athletes was a lesson in control. The trainer is able to create an atmosphere of both trust and authority over an animal that could very well toss them aside. Working a horse is about goals and taking small steps to reach the over all desired accomplishment. This was hopeful to me because little steps were all I could take. However, I did not have the discipline or the overview to make the steps flow. My first weeks in therapy I wanted the payoff with out doing the work, this makes the effort meaningless and empty. You can not stand firm about something if you cannot claim it within you. Dressage showed me what was possible and how there is a value in little steps not just the glorying of the end result. I learned to appreciate all the rituals that surround a ride at a horse show. It is all about tireless effort and expectation. You have to be self-driven, mixing knowledge and passion. If you do this with balance, the process is the payoff.
Dressage can imply certain promises. It asks both horse and rider to be precise in their actions. It breaks things down to the slightest observable movement. It even considers the spirit in which this is executed.
This constant practice of predetermined patterns has to be taught to a horse in a way that he will deliver the pattern over and over again without going into it in a routine manner. This promise of; if you do A and B than C will result is not the firm promise you think it is. There is another element, which is the judge. This element is what keeps things very interesting. Politics is now involved and so even if your ride is flawless to all other eyes, if the judge says it was flawed, it was flawed, end of story, no discussion.
It is not easy to put yourself in a position to be judged. Most of us feel the anxiety that comes from even a suspicion of being judged. Perhaps this strength about being judged is the gift training pays you back. When it is part of the process of learning, judgment is only a tool.
I was having many problems in my life. To those who would judge me, I put on the look of some one that was successful in living a productive life. The feeling that pulled at me was that even though it appeared normal, the individual parts that made up my life were not well defined. I was living a life that was concerned with the score, not upon having real skills in mastering the regular events that come across the average life. I was afraid of the effort. I was afraid of precision because it seemed way beyond me.
Of course precision doesn't just happen but it can be obtain. I didn't realize that it was a process that allowed for error and "try again". Wanting to be perfect from the start was my biggest misconception about being truly good at something. I thought of people as either winners or losers. Every one thought I was a winner but I knew of events in my life that had mentally assigned me as a loser. To me, my life felt like a lie. This is not the case today. I know now that you do the things in your life that you need to do and sometimes getting that right takes time, also you enjoy the things that you want to do. Remember that everyday is a new ride and it might be a good one or not, it doesn't matter as long as you can walk away from it free. Another opportunity lies ahead for you.
There have been many more horse shows since the first. The first show being well over ten years ago. I am sad to say that recently after a good life Riesling had to be put down. However, his beauty is frozen in my mind even today.
My experiences through meeting Riesling have been immeasurable, not the least of which I have grown to love the smell of hay. It is a sweet smell after all.
